Only a mothe r could love this liver
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
