I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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