Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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