so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
