I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
