oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
