I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
