Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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