Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
