You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
