My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
