oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Less talking, more tequila
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
