I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
