My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
