so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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