Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
