just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
