He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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