I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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