He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
