life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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