Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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