so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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