Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
