that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
