She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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