I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
