I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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