after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
