I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
