remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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