she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
