No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
MIDGETS
????
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
