I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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