like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Everclear isn't food dammit
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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