i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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