If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
