apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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