I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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