I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
