I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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