I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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