I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
