i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
