I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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