All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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