____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
