I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pants are for mortals
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
