if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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