She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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