She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
