Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
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Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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