hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
