I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
