"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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