Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
