things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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