Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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