So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
